Are “Mom Friends” Today’s Mean Girls?

Hey, advanced warning… it’s a potty mouth kind of day around here.

I see this every day.


Abortion is a woman’s right to choose. The pregnant woman’s body no longer belongs only to her.


Vaccines cause autism. Vaccines are safe and effective.


Natural birth is for sanctimommies. Epidurals are for the weak.


SAHM’s are “just” SAHM’s. Mothers who work don’t have their priorities straight and shouldn’t have chosen to have kids.


Circumcision is a parent’s choice. Circumcision is a barbaric practice and should only be the choice of the penis owner.


Breast is best. Fed is best.


You can’t be a feminist and use birth control. You can’t rely on natural methods to prevent pregnancy.


The list goes on and on, and on, right?


I could jump in. Oh, girl. I could so jump in. I could school those women I disagree with, smacking down my research backing my opinions left and right as being fact-based. And I could walk away having proven what I already knew: I was right.


klimkin / Pixabay


But that would mean I need to prove myself to others. That would mean I am not confident enough in myself to know I am right if others don’t acknowledge that I am. That would mean I care more about my reputation as a know-it-all than I do about my own inner peace. And that shit ain’t right.


I am whole, with or without others’ approval. I don’t need to show up to every argument I’m invited to. I don’t need anyone to validate my beliefs for them to be real to me.


I don’t need to get more likes than my opponent to serve as proof of me mopping the floor with them in a grown-up, web-based version of the school playground brawl between classmates.


My mission isn’t to prove to you that I’m right. My mission is to prove to you that you can feel the same way I do. That you can feel confident, and never shaken by the words of others. That you are enough, mama.


I don’t seek to divide women—especially mothers. I long to unite them. I stumble upon those angry “If you believe XYZ is right, delete me” and other “Come at me” posts from time to time in my feed and I don’t see anyone who is “right” or “wrong.” I do see division though.


I see the active crumbling of the alliance of mothers… of the sisterhood. I see someone who isn’t confident enough in herself to stand for what she believes in without a pack of virtual mean girls who have her back. I see a woman in need of guidance. Of spiritual development. Of self-development.


I have learned the hard way over the years that not everyone believes the same things I do. I still love those people like crazy and support them. Because you see, my ability to love and hold space for someone isn’t limited to carbon copies of myself. I am a strong and opinionated woman. I am fierce if you come for me, too. But I don’t confuse someone coming for me and someone seeing the world through their own eyes instead of mine. Where is the loyalty? Why not hold a woman up when she’s breaking versus knocking her down because she doesn’t agree with us? I’m proud to be that person.


Why? Because I am confident enough in my beliefs that I don’t feel challenged by someone else’s being different. I see so many mothers feeling—and feeding—that challenge. They immediately perceive statements that don’t support their beliefs as statements that they are wrong, inept, or stupid.


In this day and age with social media at our fingertips, we all have this sudden podium we are preaching from. Perhaps it’s inflated our egos a bit. It’s time for a reality check. The only people who are listening to you are people who are open to your message. The only people open to hatred are haters.


I keep my circle pretty small. I tackle my friend requests every few months. As I allow some in, I show others out. When I see hatred in my newsfeed or things that don’t serve me well, I stare at those angry words with intention. I ask myself, could this person possibly benefit from being in my circle? If the answer is no, I let them go. If the answer is yes, I unfollow. Hey, just because they could benefit from my posts doesn’t mean I find anything inspiring in theirs. Boundaries, girl.


StockSnap / Pixabay


Who among us hasn’t been the target of a mean girl before? I think it’s safe to say we all have. I’ve watched my own teenage daughter go through the same battles and have had to tell her, however unfortunate, that not all of them grow out of it.


I’m disappointed, sure. I see friends I grew up with who still think it’s more important to put on the right front in public than be real. Those women have always been that way.


I remember once many moons ago, I called one of these “friends” on the phone (back when people used to talk). She must’ve been on the other line and unaware that she clicked over to my side when she made a remark that she so wasn’t answering my call. Say what???


There had been other times over the years in which I questioned my friendship with her but for the sake of a longtime pseudo-friendship, I let it slide. I held onto that memory for a while wondering what I’d done that made her feel that way about me. Silly me assuming it was ever about me.


Nah, that was all her inferiority talking. When she’d reach out from miles away just to trash another friend to me, that was her insecurity talking. Perhaps there was nothing all that fabulous to talk about in her own life and she didn’t want me to notice.


I saw her a few years ago and I don’t know why I was taken aback that her personality hadn’t changed. Maybe I thought motherhood or marriage would help matters. Nonetheless, a short conversation in which she talked down about her own family was enough for me to wonder Gosh, I wonder what she’s said about me over the years!


I changed my phone number years back and purposely chose not to include her in the mass text notifying my friends of my new digits. Why? It’s pretty simple. She’s not the kind of friend I want. I don’t want anyone calling me to share shame about another woman. Gross!


The scariest part? I once asked her if she had some sort of problem with me. She completely blew it off and told me something to the effect of “Of course not, don’t be crazy.” Ummm gaslighting much? When I think of her, I send her peace and wish the best for her, but I love myself enough to keep a safe distance. We all have that choice to make. What kind of voice we want to be. What kind of energy we want around us.


Let me share an insider tip with you. The “bad bitch with the foul mouth who gives no fucks” costume is getting really tired. Everyone’s wearing it.


GDJ / Pixabay


And then they’re often wondering where their village is. Where is their sisterhood? You tossed it out, dear, when you decided you can’t be friends with a Democrat who doesn’t want higher taxes for the wealthy or the self-proclaimed crunchy mom who is pro-choice and vaccinates.


Sisterhood isn’t about having besties who agree with everything you say. It’s about supporting women—even when we disagree on major issues that rock us to our core. It’s about being so raw and open to one another that it no longer feels like vulnerability but feels empowering to have each others’ backs.


So let’s be honest with ourselves today. If you’re often feeling alone, misunderstood… question: is it really everyone else? Or is it us? Are we victims of our own lives? Or are we truly angry because we’ve been active participants in allowing the sisterhood to crumble? If we aren’t being true to who we are, we will continue to act as a magnet to the wrong people who will ultimately steer us off course.


Your vibe attracts your tribe. And I think we all need to remember that before we act surprised as to why we find ourselves surrounded by friends that are bad bitches who give no fucks about us.

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